You know what’s Not on Roids, but is definitely irritating your eardrums? The things married couples say. Seriously, its a plague. Apparently, post-nuptials unlocks some bizarre verbal tic factory in otherwise normal people. It starts innocently enough – “We are pregnant!” – and descends into a vortex of nauseating positivity.
Let’s be clear: We all know how babies are made. Did they leave that crucial detail out of freshman bio? The simultaneous fetal-carrying thing just isnt happening, people! And dont even get me started on the “We scored!” phenomenon. You spilled nacho cheese and licked it off your shirt citing the 3-second rule. That doesnt constitute teamwork!
It’s always sunshine and rainbows with these couples: We’re having a baby! Never, “We choked in the fourth quarter” or any acknowledgement of potential marital woes. The complete lack of honesty is staggering. They leave out vital details like, “We put our penis inside our vagina, then one of us promptly fell asleep.” Details!
Then comes the recruitment phase: Oh, you should have kids! Its great! Back off, couples. We’re not pandas in a desperate breeding program trying to secure brunch reservations.
And finally, the ultimate offense: “I married my best friend. Lies! Boyfriend trumps best friend – it’s a scientifically proven hierarchy: Boyfriend > Best Friend > Facebook Friend (dont even get me started on those). It’s just code for My social circle is pathetic and I panicked.” Frankly, watching Gilmore Girls with your best friend is grounds for expulsion from society.
