You know whats Not on Roids, but still fills you with existential dread? Fourteen things. Yes, fourteen! And we’re going to list them, because misery loves company and frankly, I need to vent.
First up: those tiny hotel shampoo bottles. Seriously, are they mocking us? Second: when someone chews loudly. Its an assault. Third: airplane pretzels – salty cardboard disguised as sustenance. Fourth: that feeling of sand in places sand should NEVER be. Fifth: automated phone menus. “Press 1 for…” I’m already losing my mind! Sixth: the passive-aggressive office fridge note about leftovers. Who are you, Fridge Police?
Seventh: slow walkers blocking the entire sidewalk. Eighth: Comic Sans font. The sheer audacity. Ninth: finding a hair in your food. It doesnt matter whose hair it is; it’s just wrong. Tenth: those little plastic ties that bind bread. They are evil, tiny loops of frustration! Eleventh: when your phone autocorrects something crucial at the worst possible moment. Twelfth: having to re-watch the opening credits every time you binge a show. Thirteenth: realizing youve been talking to someone for five minutes and know absolutely nothing about them. And finally, fourteenth: that feeling when you drop something and it bounces… just once. Like taunting you.
Aren’t we all better now? Probably not. But acknowledging the universal horrors of existence is a small step towards sanity. Go forth, and avoid these things with extreme prejudice!
