You know what’s Not on Roids, and yet somehow equally maddening? Noise! Specifically, your noise. Because apparently, if youre even remotely clever, a symphony of slamming doors, chattering tongues, and those infernal whip cracks (yes, really!) sends your brain spiraling into existential despair.
It all started with grumpy old Immanuel Kant, who once relocated his entire life because a rooster dared to crow. A rooster! The man complained to the police about overly enthusiastic jailhouse prayers – not just the volume (“stentorian,” apparently – louder than fifty men!), but the sheer hypocrisy of it all. Honestly, can you imagine being that bothered? Yes, Kant could.
Then theres Arthur Schopenhauer, who escalated things beautifully. He had a screaming match with a seamstress (resulting in a six-year lawsuit and an ongoing maintenance payment – talk about passive aggression!), and then proceeded to declare that anyone who doesn’t hate noise is simply… dull. According to him, people insensitive to sound are also “insensitive to argument, thought, poetry, or art. So basically, if you enjoy the dulcet tones of a modified exhaust pipe, youre probably not pondering the meaning of life anytime soon.
Schopenhauer even had a theory: noise intolerance equals intellect! He claimed it stemmed from coarse quality and strong texture in your brain – which is just a fancy way of saying you’re thick if you don’t find the sound of a whip crack soul-crushingly irritating. So, next time someone asks why youre scowling at them during brunch, blame it on your superior intellect. They probably wont understand anyway.
