BREAKING: Winnipeg City Hall in Shock as FEARLESS FALCON OVERLORD TAKES HOSTAGE OF STAIRWELL, DEMANDS BELLY RUBS AND FREE PIZZA
In a daring display of avian audacity, a small but fierce bird of prey, later identified as a feisty falcon named “Mr. Snuffles,” brought the bustling halls of Winnipeg City Hall to a standstill yesterday evening.
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “absolute pandemonium” as the pint-sized predator, estimated to be about the size of a large housecat, swooped into the stairwell and REFUSED TO LEAVE.
“It was like something out of a Hitchcock film,” said a visibly shaken city councillor, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve seen some crazy things in my time, but a bird of prey taking over City Hall? That’s a new one.”
As animal services officers attempted to coax Mr. Snuffles out of the stairwell, the clever bird reportedly employed a series of clever tactics to outsmart its would-be captors.
“I tried to sneak up on it, but it just gave me the stink-eye and flapped its wings,” said one brave officer, who suffered only minor scratches. “I mean, I’ve seen some feisty animals in my time, but this little guy was on a whole different level.”
After a tense standoff that lasted for over an hour, Mr. Snuffles finally agreed to vacate the premises in exchange for a steady supply of pizza crusts and a promise to install a bird-sized zip line connecting the stairwell to the nearby park.
As the city breathed a collective sigh of relief, Mayor Glen Murray released a statement saying, “We’re just glad that no one was seriously hurt, and we’re looking into installing bird-deterrent systems to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. And also, we’re considering adding ‘Falcon Whisperer’ to the city’s list of official job titles.”
In related news, local pet stores are reporting a surge in sales of tiny top hats and monocles, as Winnipeg residents scramble to prepare for the impending arrival of Mr. Snuffles 2.0: The Revenge of the Feathered Overlord.
