**BREAKING: 328-Year-Old Cognac Shatters Records and Grandma’s Hip at Family Reunion**
UTRECHT, NETHERLANDS – In a groundbreaking ceremony that was absolutely not a snooze-fest, a bottle of cognac was officially declared the oldest in the world at a whopping 328 years old! We repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
According to sources (okay, we made them up), the ancient amber liquid was carefully extracted from a dusty, cobweb-covered cellar deep beneath the collector’s estate, where it had been aging with reckless abandon since the Dutch Golden Age. The bottle, which has been authenticated by a team of expert sniffers (it’s a real thing, Google it), is said to contain a mere 0.5 liters of the precious elixir, which is roughly equivalent to 2.5 sniffs.
The cognac, affectionately known as “Oldie but Goodie,” was distilled in 1695, a time when the Netherlands was still reeling from the excitement of the Dutch Revolt against Spain. It’s rumored that the original owner, a flamboyant Dutch trader named “Captain Cognacbeard,” smuggled the precious liquid into the country to avoid paying exorbitant taxes on… well, everything.
When asked about the significance of this discovery, Dr. Reginald P. Bottomsworth, a leading expert in ancient beverages (or so we claim), exclaimed, “This 328-year-old cognac is not only a testament to the craftsmanship of 17th-century distillers but also a potential cure for the common cold, insomnia, and Monday mornings. Side effects may include spontaneous dancing and an increased risk of becoming a professional snail trainer.”
The collector, who wishes to remain anonymous (or not), was over the moon (or at least, over the canal) with excitement, stating, “I’ve always known that my cellar was special, but I had no idea it was hiding a 328-year-old party animal! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go polish my monocle and adjust my top hat.”
As news of the record-breaking cognac spread, enthusiasts and connoisseurs from around the world began clamoring for a taste (or a sniff, we’re not picky). However, the collector remained tight-lipped about plans for the bottle, citing concerns about “responsible drinking” and “not wanting to be responsible for anyone’s poor life choices.”
In related news, the world’s oldest-known bottle of ketchup was discovered in a dusty corner of a Belgian museum, dating back an impressive 275 years. When asked for comment, the museum curator simply shrugged and said, “Eh, it’s still got that special something… or maybe that’s just the mold.”
