**BREAKING: TOILET TYCOON ISSUES DESPERATE WARNING AS TOILET PAPER WIPING EPIDEMIC SPREADS**
In a shocking turn of events, the CEO of “Porcelain Palace,” a leading manufacturer of toilets, has issued a strongly-worded warning to customers: **DO NOT WIPE THE SEATS WITH TOILET PAPER**.
According to sources within the company, a mysterious epidemic of toilet paper-wielding customers has been sweeping the nation, leaving a trail of destruction and dampness in its wake. The situation has become so dire that the company has been forced to take drastic measures to protect its products and its customers.
“We’re at a crisis point,” said Reginald P. Bottomsworth, CEO of Porcelain Palace. “We’ve seen cases of toilet paper-induced seat damage, toilet paper-related injuries, and even reports of toilet paper-fueled fistfights in public restrooms. It’s a mess, plain and simple.”
Experts warn that the seemingly harmless act of wiping a toilet seat with toilet paper can have devastating consequences. “It’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Emily J. Wipe, a leading expert in toilet hygiene. “First, you’re wiping the seat, then you’re wiping the handle, and before you know it, you’re wiping down the entire bathroom with a roll of Charmin. It’s a recipe for disaster.”
Porcelain Palace has taken steps to educate customers on the dangers of toilet paper wiping, including installing warning signs in public restrooms and launching a social media campaign featuring the hashtag #DontWipeTheSeat.
But not everyone is convinced that the situation is as dire as claimed. “I mean, come on,” said local resident and self-proclaimed toilet paper enthusiast, Dave Johnson. “I’ve been wiping toilet seats with toilet paper for years and I’m still standing. It’s a non-issue.”
But Porcelain Palace remains adamant that the warning is necessary. “We’re not trying to be the toilet police,” said Bottomsworth. “We just want to protect our customers and our products from the dangers of excessive toilet paper use.”
In related news, sales of toilet paper have skyrocketed, and local hardware stores are reporting a surge in demand for toilet seat covers. Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story.
