**BREAKING: ROGUE TORTOISE ON THE LOOSE, WREAKING HAVOC IN SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD**
COLUMBIA, SC – In a bizarre incident that has left residents scratching their heads, a tortoise on the lam has been spotted roaming the streets of a quiet suburban neighborhood in South Carolina.
The tortoise, described as “surprisingly speedy” and “totally unapologetic,” was seen strolling down Oak Street, leaving a trail of destruction and bewildered onlookers in its wake.
“I was just getting ready for work when I saw this…this…thing ambling down the sidewalk,” said local resident, Jane Doe. “At first, I thought it was a rock with a face, but then it started moving and I was like, ‘Oh no, it’s a tortoise on the loose!'”
The tortoise, estimated to be around 20 pounds and sporting a shell that’s “definitely seen some things,” has been evading capture for hours, with eyewitnesses reporting sightings of the wayward reptile in multiple locations.
“It’s like it has a GPS system or something,” said neighbor, Bob Smith. “I saw it strolling down my driveway, and by the time I got my camera, it was already halfway down the block.”
Authorities have been alerted, and a team of wildlife experts has been dispatched to the scene to try and corral the errant tortoise.
“We’re doing our best to catch this…this…tortoise-astrophe,” said a spokesperson for the local animal control. “But let me tell you, this guy is like the Houdini of tortoises. We’ve never seen anything like it.”
As the search continues, residents are being advised to keep a safe distance and not attempt to approach the tortoise, lest they risk being outrun by its surprisingly speedy legs.
**UPDATE:** The tortoise has just been spotted doing donuts in a neighbor’s front yard. This is not a drill.
