BREAKING: Ontario Premier Doug Ford Issues Desperate Plea to Citizens: “For the Love of All Things Holy, PLEASE Stop Pooping on the Beach!”
In a bizarre and urgent address to the province, Premier Doug Ford yesterday begged Ontarians to refrain from, ahem, “depositing their, ahem, natural fertilizer” on the province’s beautiful beaches.
According to eyewitnesses, Ford was visibly distressed as he made the plea, his face beet-red with embarrassment. “Folks, I know we’re all about enjoying the great outdoors and soaking up the sun, but come on, guys! Let’s keep our beaches – and our dignity – intact!” he exclaimed.
The Premier’s dramatic request comes on the heels of reports that several beaches along Lake Ontario and Lake Erie have been, quite literally, overwhelmed by the, ahem, “unwelcome visitors”.
“It’s like a war zone out there!” exclaimed a local resident, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being identified as “that guy”. “I was trying to enjoy a peaceful day at the beach with my family, and suddenly we’re dodging, you know, landmines left and right!”
Ford, seemingly at his wit’s end, took to social media to drive home his point. “Don’t poop on the beach, folks! It’s just not cool. We’re not barbarians, are we?” he tweeted.
The Premier’s office has since confirmed that a team of highly trained “poop patrols” has been dispatched to monitor the situation and, if necessary, administer a stern talking-to (or worse) to any beachgoers caught red-handed.
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Natural Resources quipped, “We’re doing our best to keep the beaches safe and, you know, poop-free. But honestly, it’s a crappy job.”
