**BREAKING: WORLD’S OLDEST MAN DIES AT 112, LEAVES BEHIND LEGACY OF EXTREME CRUMPET EATING AND CAT BURGLARY SKILLS**
Liverpool, England – In a shocking turn of events, John Alfred Tinniswood, the world’s oldest man, has passed away at the ripe old age of 112, leaving behind a trail of bewildered family members, a collection of antique teapots, and a care home’s worth of bewildered nurses.
According to sources close to the family, Tinniswood, who was born in 1912, lived an extraordinary life that defied all logic and reason. “He was an incredible man,” said his great-niece, Emily Wilson. “He could eat an entire plate of crumpets in one sitting, recite the entire script of ‘Hamlet’ backwards, and still manage to sneak out of the house at midnight to cat burgle his neighbors’ gardens.”
Tinniswood’s remarkable life was marked by a series of bizarre events, including but not limited to:
* Eating a whole jar of wasabi in one sitting and claiming it was “mildly spicy”
* Winning a local pie-eating contest at the age of 95
* Being chased by a pack of wild squirrels in his garden at the age of 102
* Writing a bestselling novel about the adventures of a time-traveling eggplant
Despite his many accomplishments, Tinniswood remained humble and dedicated to his craft – extreme crumpet eating. “He was a true legend,” said care home staff member, Karen Jenkins. “He could down an entire plate of crumpets in under 5 minutes. We had to start serving them in industrial-sized portions just to keep up with him.”
Tinniswood’s family has announced plans to hold a grand funeral, complete with a 21-gun salute, a flyover by the Red Arrows, and a special performance by the Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra playing a rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus” on kazoos.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the “John Alfred Tinniswood Memorial Crumpet Fund,” which will provide crumpets to those in need and support research into the art of extreme crumpet eating.
Rest in peace, John Alfred Tinniswood. May your legacy live on in the hearts (and stomachs) of those who knew you.
