**BREAKING NEWS**
LOCAL MAN SHATTERS OWN RECORD FOR TYPING WITH NOSE, DEFIES ODDS AND LOGIC
In a jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, and downright unbelievable display of nasal dexterity, 32-year-old Dave Wilson has broken his own world record for typing with his nose. Again.
According to eyewitnesses, Wilson, a self-proclaimed “Nose-Typing Master,” managed to type out a 500-word essay on the importance of proper nose hair maintenance in a blistering 2 minutes and 14 seconds using only his nose.
“I’ve been training for months,” said Wilson, his nose still twitching with exhaustion. “I’ve developed a special technique involving a combination of nostril wiggling, mucus manipulation, and sheer force of will.”
The previous record, set by Wilson himself just last week, was 3 minutes and 21 seconds. But Wilson was not satisfied. “I knew I had it in me,” he said. “I’ve been practicing my nose-typing skills in front of the mirror, on the bus, and even during meals. My family thinks I’m crazy, but I know I’m on the cusp of something big.”
The essay, titled “The Nose-Typing Revolution: A New Era of Nasal Communication,” was typed on a custom-made keyboard with extra-large keys and a special nose-friendly coating.
“I was a bit worried that my nose might get tired,” said Wilson, “but I’ve developed a system of nasal rotation, where I switch between my left and right nostrils to avoid fatigue.”
The Guinness World Records officials were on hand to verify the record, and they were impressed. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said a spokesperson. “We’re considering creating a new category for nose-based achievements.”
When asked what’s next for him, Wilson replied, “I’m thinking of taking on the world record for most hamburgers eaten while nose-typing. I’m confident I can crush it.”
**UPDATE**: Wilson has just announced that he will be releasing a line of nose-typing merchandise, including t-shirts, mugs, and nose-shaped keyboards.
