**BREAKING: John Ball Zoo Celebrates Historic Birth of Pygmy Hippo Calf, Because 130 Years is Clearly Long Enough to Get it Right!**
Grand Rapids, MI – In a groundbreaking achievement that has left the animal kingdom abuzz, the John Ball Zoo announced today that it has finally, FINALLY, after a whopping 131 years of trying, successfully birthed a pygmy hippo calf. Because, let’s be real, 130 years is a looong time to wait for a pygmy hippo baby.
According to zoo officials, the pygmy hippo calf, affectionately known as “Pippy,” was born with a full head of hair, a mischievous glint in her eye, and a strong dislike for waiting in line for the restroom. Because priorities.
“We’re over the moon, or should I say, over the savannah, with excitement!” exclaimed zoo spokesperson, Jane Smith. “Our team of expert hippo wranglers has been training for this moment for, well, let’s just say longer than some of our staff have been alive. And by ‘expert,’ I mean they watched a lot of YouTube videos.”
The historic birth marks a major milestone for the John Ball Zoo, which has been trying to get it right for, um, a while. “We’re thrilled to have finally cracked the code,” said Smith. “Our pygmy hippo exhibit is now officially the most Instagrammable spot in West Michigan, and we’re expecting a 1000% increase in ticket sales… or at least a 100% increase in selfies with the hashtag #PygmyHippoSquad.”
Pippy, the adorable calf, is currently enjoying a private suite with her doting mother, who is reportedly “doing great, considering she’s been practicing her ‘hippo-pose’ for months.” The zoo plans to open the pygmy hippo exhibit to the public next week, with a special “Pippy-Palooza” celebration featuring hippo-themed snacks, games, and a chance to win a year’s supply of aquatic plant-based snacks.
In related news, the zoo has announced plans to rename its 130-year-old elephant enclosure “The Waiting Room,” in honor of their impressive, if not lengthy, history of waiting for, well, basically anything to happen.
