**BREAKING: SANCTUARY BEARS HIBERNATE FOR 10,000 YEARS, SHATTERING ALL PREVIOUS RECORDS**
In a shocking turn of events, the bears at the local wildlife sanctuary have apparently decided to take the concept of “hibernation” to a whole new level. According to sources, the bears have been snoozing for a whopping 10,000 years, leaving experts baffled and snack enthusiasts concerned.
The “March Napness” bracket, a highly scientific and totally-not-made-up tracking system, has been monitoring the hibernation habits of the sanctuary’s bear population. And let me tell you, folks, these bears are sleeping like champs.
“We’re not sure what’s going on,” said Dr. Jane Smith, lead researcher on the project. “We’ve had bears snoozing through glacial periods, planetary alignments, and even the occasional zombie apocalypse. It’s like they’re trying to break some kind of record.”
The longest recorded hibernation streak belongs to a bear named “Snoozle,” who has been sleeping for an astonishing 9,876 years. When asked about Snoozle’s remarkable feat, Dr. Smith simply shrugged and said, “Honestly, we’re just not sure how he’s still alive. We’ve had to start calling him ‘The Sleeping Giant’…or ‘The Sleeping Giant-ish’…or…you get the idea.”
But it’s not just Snoozle – the entire bear population at the sanctuary seems to be taking a rather…relaxed approach to wakefulness. In fact, researchers have reported finding bears in various states of slumber, from light dozing to full-on snore-fests.
“I tried to wake one of them up for an interview,” said Dr. John Doe, a colleague of Dr. Smith’s. “But he just rolled over and started drooling on me. I mean, I’ve seen some dedicated sleepers in my time, but this is ridiculous.”
As the March Napness bracket continues to track the bears’ hibernation habits, one thing is clear: these bears are not messing around. They’re sleeping like the wind, and nobody – not even the most caffeine-fueled researcher – can wake them up.
In related news, the sanctuary has announced plans to start selling “I Survived the Great Bear Snooze-Fest” t-shirts, with all proceeds going towards…well, probably just buying more coffee for the research team.
