Welcome to the latest edition of the “Only in Wisconsin” news series. Today’s story is about a church that had an unusual visitor. The headline might lead you to believe something serious and heinous occurred, but fear not, it’s only a raccoon that put the fear of God into the pastor.
Things quickly spun out of control when the pastor arrived at the church only to find out that it had been broken into. He must have been sweating bullets, thinking of the valuable chalices, but no, it was just a pesky raccoon. This falls in the category of “news” because, well, it’s 2021, and let’s face it, good news is hard to come by.
The raccoon that broke in like a thief in the night probably had bad intentions like stealing all the holy wine. But alas, it was her thievery that ruined the party for everyone involved. The church-goers had to find another place to worship for the day and cry in their tea.
“The kind of hooligans we tolerate in this state,” said the pastor after the incident. The audacity of allowing a common beast to break a critical portion of the Wisconsin community is unforgivable. Will there be a crackdown on raccoons? Will the exodus of varmints bring an end to crimes like this? Stay tuned to find out.
Although many Wisconites try to live in harmony with nature, they never anticipate incidents like this one. It’s not like Wisconsin has plenty of animals who would break into a church at three in the morning. Or, maybe they expected badgers, possums, or the occasional skunk to be the culprits. The Flying Spaghetti Monster herself must be wondering what’s going on.
This incident got many people talking on social media, where people started sharing raccoon-themed memes. Some even went as far as to call this invader a furry worshipper who had woken up after a wild night of partying. The church might be a good place to repent and pray, but don’t tell that to our animal friends, who think it’s a good place to go on a bender.
Another user on Twitter commented, “I didn’t know that raccoons were so pious.” Maybe this is how they seek redemption. This has the potential to become a new Twilight Zone episode. Will there be a “Raccoon Shepherd” next?
Many of us can relate to the raccoon. We’ve all been there, looking for a place to crash after a night of debauchery. However, most of us don’t accidentally break into a church, but meh. No harm, no foul. The raccoon goes on to its merry ways, leaving the church-goers scratching their heads.
In conclusion, this incident teaches us a valuable lesson; never leave your doors unlocked and vulnerable to raccoons. Such occurrences have to be prevented at all costs, lest another church falls victim to one of the furry creatures. Maybe all of us Wisconites should invest in “coon-proof” locks to avoid any future incidents.
