**BREAKING: GIANT, FIERCE, AND FASHIONABLY-DRESSED TEgu LIZARD TERRORIZES CALIFORNIA PARK**
In a bizarre incident that has left residents of Los Angeles scratching their heads, a gargantuan, black and white tegu lizard was spotted roaming free in a popular California park.
The behemoth reptile, estimated to be over 10 feet in length and weighing a whopping 500 pounds, was seen strolling through the park’s walking trails, sending joggers and picnickers running for cover.
Eyewitnesses described the tegu as “fierce,” “fashionable,” and “totally-not-afraid-of-its-own-reflection.” The lizard was sporting a sparkly silver collar and a pair of trendy, oversized sunglasses, leading some to speculate that it was, in fact, a reptilian hipster.
“I was just trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon in the park when suddenly, this…this…THING comes lumbering along,” said park-goer, Jane Doe. “I mean, I’ve seen some weird stuff in my time, but this was something else. It was like something out of a sci-fi movie, but with more scales and less…you know, humanity.”
The tegu, which has been identified as a “Tegusaurus Maximus” by local herpetologists (a species that, apparently, only exists in the wildest of imaginations), seems to have developed a taste for park benches, trash cans, and 80s rock music.
“I was sitting on a bench, minding my own business, when suddenly this…this…lizard comes along and starts headbanging to ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’,” said park visitor, Bob Smith. “I mean, I was shocked, but also kind of impressed. I mean, who doesn’t love a good Axl Rose impression?”
Authorities have been called to the scene, but so far, no one seems to know how to catch the giant tegu, which has apparently developed a fondness for park rules and regulations.
“It’s like it’s trying to be the park’s unofficial mascot or something,” said a park ranger, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, we’ve tried using traps, but it just laughs at us and says ‘you can’t catch me, I’m the Tegusaurus Maximus, hear me roar!’…or, at least, that’s what it sounds like when it’s speaking in a deep, rumbling voice.”
As the situation continues to unfold, residents are advised to stay calm, carry snacks, and avoid direct eye contact with the giant, fashionable tegu.
**UPDATE:** The tegu has just been spotted jamming out to “Don’t Stop Believin'” and doing a little dance on top of a picnic blanket. This is not a drill.
