“Emotional Goodbye to West Virginia’s Last Hooters: A Candlelight Vigil for Chicken Wings and Cleavage”
Last night, dozens of fans and former employees of the last Hooters in West Virginia flocked to the restaurant’s parking lot to say goodbye to their beloved establishment. Holding their wax candles and wiping away tears, these mourners praised the virtues of Hooters: the irresistible chicken wings, ice-cold beer, and, of course, the stunningly beautiful women who served them.
“I’ve been coming to this Hooters for years,” said one regular, Jim Smith, in between sobs. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without my favorite spot to ogle at barely-clothed waitresses. It’s like a piece of my soul is being ripped out.”
Others held up signs displaying messages such as “RIP Hooters, You Will Be Missed” and “Give Me Hooters or Give Me Death.” The atmosphere was somber, as if the group was mourning a lost loved one instead of a restaurant chain known for objectifying women.
While many attendees were there to reminisce on their fond memories, some were using the opportunity to voice their grievances about the unjust closure of the restaurant. “This is a travesty,” exclaimed former Hooters waitress, Karen Johnson. “Hooters was more than just a job for me. It was a way for me to feel beautiful and confident, all while making a few bucks on the side. Now, where are all the women with large bosoms going to work?”
As the night went on, the crowd grew more vocal about their loyalty to Hooters. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Twin Peaks or Tilted Kilt,” one patron said. “Those places are just cheap imitations. Hooters was the real deal.”
It was not just the regulars who came out to say their goodbyes. Even some former employees, who were clearly nothing more than objects to be ogled while working, returned to pay their respects. “Sure, we were hired for our looks,” said former Hooters girl, Stacey Johnson. “But at least Hooters didn’t pretend to be anything other than what it was. It was honest, and that’s what made it special.”
Overall, it was a bittersweet night for all the Hooters enthusiasts and ‘talent’ who showed up to pay their respects. Although the group knew that the restaurant was closing, they hoped that their fervent prayers and candlelight ceremony would convince the West Virginia government to spare their beloved establishment.
“We love our Hooters,” concluded a member of the crowd in a tear-choked voice. “And if the powers that be can’t see that, then maybe they’re the ones who are blind.”
As the vigil came to a close, the group formed a circle and sang a rousing rendition of “All By Myself.” Truly, the end of an era.
