“Oldest Person in America Finally Getting the Recognition She Deserves”
In a nation where youth is valued above all else, it’s refreshing to see someone finally giving the elderly their due. And what better way to do that than with a parade?
That’s right, the oldest living person in the United States is turning 116 years old, and the people of California are throwing her a celebration she won’t soon forget.
There will be floats, marching bands, and of course, lots and lots of balloons. Because what says “happy birthday” better than a bunch of helium-filled latex spheres?
The guest of honor, Alelia Murphy, will be in attendance, waving to the crowds from the back of a convertible and wondering why they didn’t do this for her 100th birthday.
But why stop at just one parade? Surely there are other centenarians out there who could use a little love and attention. Maybe we could have a series of parades, each one celebrating someone who has managed to avoid death for an absurdly long period of time.
We could even make it a competition. Who will be the next oldest person in America? Who will outlive all their peers and become a national treasure?
It’s not like we have anything better to do, right? We could spend our time and resources on things like healthcare, education, or addressing climate change, but why bother when we could be throwing parades for people who have already lived for over a century?
Murphy, for her part, is thrilled to finally be getting the recognition she deserves. She’s seen 20 presidents come and go, witnessed the birth of the internet, and watched as society has evolved in countless ways. But all that doesn’t compare to the thrill of riding in a convertible while strangers cheer and wave cardboard signs.
Of course, there are some who are critical of the parade. They argue that celebrating someone just for being old is arbitrary and misguided. They suggest that perhaps we should focus on the contributions these people have made to society, rather than simply marveling at the fact that they’ve managed to stay alive for so long.
But those people are just being negative. This is a moment of triumph for Murphy, and for the more than 30,000 other centenarians in the United States. They’ve lived through wars, economic crises, and more Kardashian scandals than anyone cares to remember. They deserve a little bit of fanfare.
So let’s not begrudge them their moment in the sun. Let’s parade them around town, pat them on the back, and give them a big ol’ slice of cake. And who knows? Maybe one of them will make it to 120, and then we can throw an even bigger parade.
