Reptilian Rogue Carves out New Life as Pennsylvania River Resident
Pennsylvania residents were left stunned earlier this week when an alligator was spotted swimming in the Susquehanna River, marking the first confirmed sighting of a reptile of its kind in the state’s waterways.
While some may view this as a cause for concern, others have welcomed the alligator as a refreshing change from the usual run-of-the-mill wildlife found in the area.
“I mean, let’s face it, squirrels are so passé,” stated local resident, Karen Peters. “I was absolutely delighted to see a massive, carnivorous predator cruising down the river. It really adds a bit of excitement to my morning commute.”
Several agencies have scrambled to determine where the alligator may have come from, with some suggesting it may have been released into the river by irresponsible pet owners. However, not everyone is convinced by this theory.
“How do we even know this alligator isn’t a native Pennsylvanian?” challenged self-proclaimed alligator expert, Thomas Jones. “Maybe we just haven’t been looking hard enough. Personally, I plan to dedicate the rest of my days to finding more of them.”
As news of the alligator’s presence has spread, some Pennsylvanians have even started referring to the creature as a “resident” of the river, claiming that it has as much right to be there as any of the humans who live nearby.
“Heck, I reckon that alligator pays more taxes in this state than I do, so who am I to tell it where it can and can’t swim?” laughed local businessman, Frank Adams.
While there have been some concerns raised about the possibility of the alligator posing a threat to humans, officials have urged residents to remain calm.
“Look, if this was the kind of alligator that had a taste for human flesh, it would have made its presence felt by now,” stated wildlife specialist, Dr. Laura Chen. “The fact is, it’s probably just looking for a nice quiet spot to sunbathe and catch a few fish. We should all be so lucky, really.”
Despite the reassurances of experts like Chen, some residents have reportedly been taking matters into their own hands, attempting to lure the alligator closer with offerings of raw meat and muddy water.
“At first, I tried throwing bread crumbs to it, but it didn’t seem interested,” reported Peters. “But then I remembered that alligators like meat, so I brought down some sausages from my fridge. It swam right up to me, it was incredible.”
Though authorities have yet to determine what, if anything, should be done about the reptilian rogue in their midst, it’s clear that Pennsylvania residents are ready for their new aquatic neighbor to stay for a while.
“I’m already planning alligator-themed cookouts and boat parties,” said Adams. “I mean, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?”
