Breaking News: The World’s Least Useful World Record Broken Again!
David Rush has done it again, folks! He has broken yet another world record that nobody asked for. Rush, who seems to have an inexplicable amount of free time on his hands, has now officially sorted 17.6 ounces of Peanut M&M’s by color in 1 minute and 14 seconds.
The Guinness Book of World Records, which apparently has nothing better to do, has accepted this new “achievement” of Rush and bestowed upon him the title of “serial world record-breaker.” We are yet to figure out why they are encouraging him in this never-ending quest to break pointless records.
Interestingly, Mr. Rush has been at the forefront of breaking world records that serve no real purpose. He has previously held the world record for “the most T-shirts worn at once” and “the most bananas peeled and consumed in one minute.” Absolutely essential information, right?
In a recent interview with Mr. Rush, he stated that he had been practicing for months to accomplish this feat. Yes, you read that right – months. Because, of course, sorting candies by color is such a tremendous challenge that it takes months to master. We can only imagine the time pressure these months of practice must have put on him.
We asked Mr. Rush what motivated him to break such records and he stated, “I just want to inspire people to live their dreams.” Because we all know that dedicating ourselves to millions of mindless attempts at impossible world records is exactly how to accomplish that.
And let’s not forget the motivational impact that Rush’s sorting of colored M&M’s will have on our society. Can we all take a moment to appreciate the newfound joy and inspiration that we will glean from this new achievement? We can finally sleep soundly at night knowing that colorful candy can now be sorted faster than ever before.
Some social media users have suggested that Mr. Rush should channel his energy towards something more worthwhile, but we disagree! There is nothing more valuable than sorting chocolates by color, even if it takes months of practice and dedication.
We are convinced that David Rush is the hero we never knew we needed. We would like to congratulate him on adding another useless world record to his seemingly endless list of completely non-essential accomplishments. What an inspiration you are, Mr. Rush.
We cannot wait to see which incredibly crucial world record Mr. Rush decides to break next. Who knows? Perhaps he’ll even sort M&M’s by shape or flavor, or maybe progress to sorting Skittles or Starbursts. Truly, the possibilities are endless.
In conclusion, we would just like to say thank you, David Rush, for showing us all how to live our dreams by sorting candy by color.
