Ohio Man Sets His Sights on World Record Nobody Cares About
Hamilton, OH – In a feat that is sure to impress absolutely no one, local man Mark Harrison has begun his quest to break the world record for playing pinball non-stop for 63 hours straight. Harrison, who reportedly has nothing better to do with his time, has already spent more than 14 hours at the pinball machine and shows no sign of stopping until his body inevitably gives out.
According to Harrison, he has been training for this moment for weeks by doing… well, nothing really. “I just figured I’d eat a lot of junk food and stay up late playing video games to get ready for this,” he explained. “It’s not like I have a job or anything, so I’ve got plenty of time to waste.”
Despite not being particularly interested in the world record himself, Harrison says he feels obligated to attempt it after learning that the current record holder is a Canadian. “I mean, come on, we can’t let those Canadians have everything,” he said with a chuckle. “They already have universal healthcare and Tim Hortons, so this is really all we’ve got left.”
Harrison’s friends and family, who declined to comment on camera, seem to be somewhat supportive of his attempt, although it’s unclear if that’s because they’re genuinely excited for him or just trying to be polite. “We love Mark and we want him to be happy, even if that means spending three days straight playing pinball,” said one of Harrison’s cousins.
So far, Harrison’s attempt at the record has been uneventful. He’s stuck primarily to classic pinball games, which he apparently prefers because they’re “old school” and “have that retro feel.” He has taken a few short breaks to eat and use the bathroom, but other than that he’s been glued to the machine.
When asked what he’ll do if he succeeds in breaking the 63-hour record, Harrison was noncommittal. “I don’t know, probably just go home and sleep,” he said. “Or maybe play some more pinball, I haven’t decided yet.”
As for what he’ll do if he fails, Harrison said he’ll probably just try again some other time. “Or maybe I’ll switch to a different world record,” he added. “I hear the one for longest time spent sitting in a bean bag chair is up for grabs.”
While the world eagerly awaits the outcome of this groundbreaking event, one can’t help but wonder: does anyone really care if Mark Harrison plays pinball for 63 hours straight? The answer, of course, is no. But hey, at least he’s not hurting anybody.
