Wisconsin lawmakers have once again proven their undying commitment to the important issues facing their state. This time, the spotlight is on a drink. That’s right, the old fashioned cocktail, a ubiquitous drink across the country, has been a hot topic of debate among Wisconsin lawmakers. Why? Because they want to make it official that the traditional Wisconsin version of the drink must include brandy, not bourbon.
This historic move is sure to send shockwaves through the cocktail world. For years, bartenders and mixologists have been mixing bourbon, simple syrup, bitters, and an orange peel to make the perfect old fashioned cocktail. But in Wisconsin, they do things a little differently. They replace bourbon with brandy, simple syrup with a sugar cube, and top it off with a Wisconsin cherry. I know, I know, the horror!
The Wisconsin State Assembly unanimously passed a bill last week that would make the state’s version of the old fashioned the official drink. Because apparently, they have nothing else to do. According to the bill’s sponsor, “The Wisconsin-style brandy old fashioned is almost like a cultural icon.” Yes, forget about the state’s history, culture, and traditions. This cocktail is what truly defines Wisconsin.
This new legislation has caused quite a stir on social media. People are asking important questions like, “What’s next? An official cheese curd mascot?” and “Will Wisconsin start charging a tax on bourbon to prevent its citizens from straying away from the official drink?” These are important questions, people.
But don’t worry, the Wisconsin Tavern League is here to save us from ourselves. They fully support the bill, saying, “This is a little thing, but it does become a big thing because it is an official thing.” Yes, because we all know that making a cocktail official is an important step towards progress.
Naturally, bourbon lovers everywhere are outraged. They are calling for a boycott of Wisconsin and all of their brandy-loving ways. “If you’re going to mess with our cocktails, we’ll take our business elsewhere,” says whiskey connoisseur John Smith. Oh no, not John! How will Wisconsin survive without his custom?
But let’s be real, this is just another ploy for Wisconsin tourists to brag about their state’s quirky traditions. “You guys drink bourbon in your old fashioned? Oh, how quaint,” they’ll say while sipping on their brandy-based cocktail. It’s just like how people from New York and Chicago argue about their pizza being the best. Except this time, it’s about alcohol.
In all seriousness though, can we just enjoy our drinks without trying to make them “official” or a representation of our state’s culture? Can’t we just drink what tastes good, regardless of where we are? Let’s stop this madness before every state starts fighting over their own version of every cocktail. Imagine the chaos.
So, congratulations Wisconsin. You have truly outdone yourselves this time. You have made a cocktail official. What’s next? An official state cheese curd dipping sauce? An official state way to brew coffee? The possibilities are endless.
