Local Woman Achieves Lifetime Goal of Being Impaled by 30 Swords Simultaneously
In a feat that can only be described as awe-inspiring, a Minnesota woman broke a Guinness World Record by balancing not one, not five, but a whopping 30 swords on her body in one minute. As onlookers gasped in both horror and amazement, the newly crowned champion stood tall with 15 swords balanced on her head, six on each arm, and three on each foot, like some sort of medieval porcupine.
When asked what inspired her to pursue such a record-breaking achievement, the woman — who we’ll call “Stabby McDeadly” for the sake of anonymity — simply shrugged and said, “I’ve always wanted to know what it would feel like to be impaled by 30 swords at the same time. Plus, I heard the previous record was only 27 swords, and I thought, ‘I can do better than that.'”
Indeed, she did. As the seconds ticked by, McDeadly remained impressively still, her face a study in concentration as she balanced sword after sword on her person. At one point, a gust of wind threatened to knock her off balance, but she managed to steady herself with a look of steely determination that could only come from someone who had probably watched a lot of kung-fu movies.
When the final sword was in place and the timer beeped to signal the end of the minute, McDeadly allowed herself a small smile of triumph before carefully lowering each sword to the ground. The crowd erupted in applause, though it wasn’t immediately clear whether they were applauding her achievement or simply relieved that nobody had been seriously injured.
Despite her impressive display of sword-balancing skills, some have criticized McDeadly for promoting violence and putting herself in unnecessary danger. But she dismissed these concerns, saying, “Look, I’m not hurting anyone but myself. And honestly, if you’re going to get impaled by anything, swords are probably the coolest thing to get impaled by.”
At press time, McDeadly had already begun planning her next stunt, which reportedly involves juggling live grenade while riding a unicycle across a tightrope. We can’t wait to see what she comes up with next.
