Seriously? We’re Naming a Spider Monkey Now?!
Right, because we have so much to worry about these days. Global warming? Political unrest? The impending collapse of… well, everything? No, no. Apparently, whats truly vital is soliciting the publics opinion on what we should call a baby spider monkey. A baby spider monkey.
I mean, really? Do they honestly think I have nothing better to do than brainstorm adorable primate monikers? Are my thoughts so utterly devoid of importance that they can be diverted into pondering whether this tiny creature should be Bartholomew or Penelope? It’s frankly insulting.
And lets be honest, the suggestions we’re likely to receive will be predictable and cloying. Pip? “Buttons”? Someone will undoubtedly suggest a variation on “Monkey-Man.” Prepare yourselves for an avalanche of saccharine sweetness that will make your teeth ache.
Its a classic distraction tactic, isnt it? Give the people something fluffy and cute to focus on while the world burns slightly slower. Look! A baby monkey! Isn’t it precious?! Forget about the impending doom!”
I picture the zoo staff, beaming with manufactured enthusiasm. “We need your help! It’s so important!” Important for whom? Certainly not me. Id rather be tackling actual problems. But no, lets all pretend were contributing to something meaningful by choosing a name for a primate that will probably just fling its own feces at visitors later. Just… fabulous.
