“Local Athlete Shatters World Record with 44 Pull-Ups in One Minute Because Clearly, We All Needed a Reason to Feel Inadequate”
In a move that has left many of us questioning our life choices and wondering how we’re not as good at being human, Gemma from Google (yes, that’s her real name) has achieved the impossible: 44 pull-ups in one minute. Because what the world was missing was someone who could do a lot of pull-ups really fast.
According to sources close to the athlete (i.e., her cat, Mr. Whiskers), Gemma has been training for this moment her whole life. Well, not literally her whole life, but let’s be real, she’s probably been doing pull-ups in her crib since birth and just never got tired of it.
Gemma’s achievement is impressive, to say the least. In fact, it’s so impressive that we’re starting to wonder if maybe she’s secretly a superhero or something. I mean, who needs super strength when you can do 44 pull-ups in one minute? It’s like she’s defying the laws of physics and making us all feel like sloths.
The record-breaking feat took place at a local gym (which we’re assuming was filled with people who were there to witness history being made and also secretly judging Gemma for having such impressive biceps).
When asked about her achievement, Gemma said, “I’m just really good at pull-ups, I guess. And also very dedicated. But mostly, I just like the feeling of pulling myself up by my bootstraps…literally.” We’re not sure if she’s being sarcastic or not, but we’re pretty sure that’s a metaphor.
Gemma’s record-breaking attempt was witnessed by a panel of esteemed judges (okay, it was probably just her cat and her mom) who verified the accuracy of the count. We’re assuming they were all wearing special glasses with a built-in timer and calculator, because honestly, how else would you keep track of 44 pull-ups in one minute?
In related news, the rest of us are now feeling like we need to get our lives together and start doing more pull-ups. Like, seriously, who needs Netflix when you can do 44 pull-ups? Priorities, people!
Gemma’s achievement has sparked a wave of excitement among fitness enthusiasts (and also just regular people who want to feel inadequate about their own physical abilities). As one Twitter user put it, “I can barely do 5 push-ups. How am I supposed to get those gains now?”
In conclusion, Gemma from Google is a human being who did a lot of pull-ups really fast and now we’re all just trying to keep up. Congratulations, Gemma! You’ve given us all a reason to hate ourselves for not being as good at being human.
