**”Tegu Lizard Terrorizes Nation’s Capital, Demands Better Wi-Fi”**
Washington D.C. – In a shocking turn of events, a 10-foot reptile has taken to the streets of our nation’s capital, leaving a trail of destruction and chaos in its wake. But it’s not just any ordinary scaly menace we’re talking about here – no, this is a Tegu lizard with a bone to pick.
According to eyewitnesses, the gargantuan creature emerged from the depths of the National Mall yesterday evening, its piercing gaze scanning the landscape for its next target. And what did it find? A group of unsuspecting tourists trying to take a selfie in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Ah, yes, because nothing says “fun vacation” like being photobombed by a giant lizard.
As authorities struggled to contain the beast, local residents reported seeing the Tegu lizard strolling down Constitution Avenue, its spiky scales glistening in the sunlight. It’s said that the creature was heard muttering something about ” subpar internet speeds” and “the importance of reliable Wi-Fi,” leaving many to wonder: has this Tegu been reading too much tech news?
Meanwhile, the city’s IT department is scrambling to upgrade their network infrastructure – or at least provide a decent coffee break for the lizard. After all, even the most fearsome creatures need a good cuppa to start the day.
As the nation holds its collective breath, waiting for the Tegu to be safely contained (and perhaps handed a router), we can’t help but wonder what other demands this scaly interloper might have. Will it demand better parking? More public showers? A national reptile holiday?
Stay tuned, folks – this is one story that’s sure to keep you on the edge of your seat… or at least, make you LOL so hard you snort your coffee out your nose.
**UPDATE:** The Tegu lizard has reportedly demanded a meeting with the mayor to discuss the city’s ” woeful lack of charging stations” – because priorities, people!
