**BREAKING: NZ Defense Minister Unleashes Fury on Internet Trolls, Demands Justice for Sinking of Navy Ship (and Commander)**
Wellington, New Zealand – In a shocking display of outrage and solidarity, New Zealand’s Defense Minister Judith Collins has condemned the “tsunami of misogynistic vitriol” aimed at Commander Sarah Jenkins, the trailblazing woman who bravely commanded the ill-fated navy ship, HMS Kiwi, which met its demise off the coast of Samoa on Sunday.
According to eyewitnesses (okay, we overheard a guy on the street), Minister Collins was seen storming the streets of Wellington, brandishing a sword and shouting, “Who needs sea-faring skills when you have a fiery personality and a penchant for bad luck?” before being restrained by her aides.
The HMS Kiwi, a proud vessel of the Royal New Zealand Navy, reportedly succumbed to a catastrophic combination of bad navigation, a faulty coffee machine, and a freak accident involving a runaway seagull. Miraculously, all crew members were rescued, mostly due to the heroic efforts of Commander Jenkins, who personally coordinated the evacuation while simultaneously juggling three phones and eating a sandwich.
Minister Collins has vowed to track down the “scurvy dogs” responsible for the online harassment, declaring, “We will not rest until these keyboard warriors are brought to justice and forced to watch an endless loop of Commander Jenkins’ inspirational TED Talk on ‘Leadership in the Face of Certain Doom’!”
When asked for comment, Commander Jenkins remained characteristically humble, saying, “Hey, it’s just another day at the office. Although, I do think I deserve a raise… and a new ship. Preferably one that’s not haunted by the ghost of Lord Nelson.”
The incident has sparked a national conversation about online harassment, sexism, and the importance of having a good sense of humor in the face of catastrophic failure. Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story!
