Seriously? Now Were Measuring Farts?
I’m sitting here, genuinely struggling to find the words to express just how profoundly ridiculous this is. University of Maryland researchers! Researchers! Apparently, humanity’s greatest unsolved mysteries – climate change, world hunger, existential dread – are simply too complex. No, what we really need is “smart underwear” that meticulously tracks and measures… flatulence.
Because apparently, the subtle symphony of digestive distress wasnt already enough to contend with. Now it needs to be quantified? Analyzed? Published in a peer-reviewed journal somewhere? I can only imagine the grant proposals: A Comprehensive Study of Intestinal Gas Production and its Correlation to Dietary Intake – A Novel Approach Using Bio-Integrated Sensor Technology. It’s just… breathtakingly absurd.
And theyre looking for volunteers! Volunteers who presumably signed up for science and not, you know, a public declaration of their intestinal habits. I picture the recruitment posters: Be a Pioneer in Digestive Research! Share Your Gas Data with the World!
Honestly, where does it end? Will we soon have “smart sneezes”? Precision perspiration monitors? A global database of belches meticulously categorized by frequency and duration? It’s a slippery slope towards a world where every bodily function is datafied and commodified. Someone stop these researchers before they start designing smart hiccups. Please.
