## So, Apparently Chimpanzees Have Better Taste Than We Do?
Right. Because the world *needed* another breathless announcement from a research team somewhere in California. This time it’s about chimpanzees. Yes, those delightful primates who fling poo and occasionally steal your bananas. They’re apparently boozing it up in their natural habitats. Consuming the equivalent of almost two alcoholic beverages daily! Two! I’m struggling to comprehend the sheer audacity of nature here.
Seriously? Chimpanzees are having a better time than *we* are? We, with our meticulously curated playlists and artisanal cheeses and crippling student loan debt? They’re just casually munching on fermented fruit, getting delightfully tipsy, while we’re stressing about quarterly reports and the existential dread of doomscrolling. It’s almost insulting!
And what did these researchers *discover* exactly? That chimpanzees like to eat slightly rotten things? Groundbreaking stuff, really. I bet they also figured out that swinging from trees is a pretty good way to get around. Nobel Prize material, right here.
It’s just…a perfect encapsulation of everything wrong with modern research. Find something mildly interesting in the natural world – and by “mildly interesting,” I mean “something we’ve probably suspected for decades” – slap a press release on it, and watch the headlines roll in. “Chimpanzees Drink! Scientists Stunned!” As if they’re somehow revealing the secrets of the universe.
Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to decide between oat milk or almond milk, wondering if my sourdough starter is alive, and these primates are living their best lives, delightfully inebriated on fermented fruit. It’s just…unfair.
