## Behold, Our New Wolf Whisperers: Linguistic Indoctrination & AI
Right, let’s talk about this. Apparently, the United States Department of Agriculture – yes, *that* USDA, the organization responsible for ensuring our food supply isn’t entirely comprised of genetically modified sadness – is now employing theatrical techniques to rehabilitate wolves. And how are they doing this? By playing scenes from Noah Baumbach’s “Marriage Story.”
Because, naturally, what better way to convince a wild predator that humans are inherently awful than with a meticulously crafted portrayal of suburban marital discord? I picture the poor wolves huddled around, bewildered by the rapid-fire dialogue and escalating emotional chaos. “Yes, yes, understand now,” they’re presumably thinking, “humans yell about custody arrangements and blame each other! Clearly, *they* are to be feared!”
It’s just… exquisite. The sheer absurdity of it all is almost too much to bear. I mean, have we learned absolutely nothing from centuries of wolves successfully avoiding us by simply staying far away? Now we’re actively trying to give them a reason to hate us!
And let’s not even start on the underlying assumption that projecting human relationship trauma onto apex predators will somehow magically fix interspecies conflict. It feels like a particularly elaborate, incredibly expensive performance art piece designed to make someone in a lab coat feel very important. They’re probably patting themselves on the back for their “innovative” approach while simultaneously contributing to a future where we’re chased through national parks by wolves quoting Adam Driver.
Seriously, I fully expect them to start using scenes from “Succession” next. Because nothing says “stay away” quite like demonstrating the crushing weight of inherited wealth and familial betrayal.
