## Oh, *Of Course* Goats. Because That’s What We Needed.
Honestly, I’m not even mad. Just profoundly…weary. Fifteen goats? Seriously? In Lynnfield, Massachusetts? Let that sink in for a moment. We have potholes the size of small cars, traffic that makes rush hour in Tokyo look leisurely, and now we’re dealing with a rogue herd of ungulates having a town-wide scavenger hunt? Because apparently, hiring actual humans to clear poison ivy is *too* pedestrian.
I’m sure the property owner felt terribly clever, envisioning some pastoral scene of fluffy, adorable creatures munching away at invasive plants while residents cooed and snapped Instagram photos. Instead, we got chaos. Dogs chased goats. Goats scattered. Lynnfield became a bleating, brush-eating obstacle course.
And you know what’s truly beautiful about this whole situation? The inevitable think pieces! “Could Goats Be the Answer to Our Ecological Woes?” they’ll ask, as if the sudden appearance of fifteen panicked goats is some groundbreaking revelation in environmental management. It’s a distraction, people! A fluffy, four-legged, vegetation-devouring distraction from the fact that we probably could have just hired someone with a weed whacker and saved ourselves this ridiculous spectacle.
I picture the town meeting now: “The Goat Situation,” item number seven on the agenda, right after “Discussion Regarding Squirrel Nesting Habits.” It’s just…perfectly symbolic of our current era. We’re so desperate to be innovative, so terrified of appearing conventional, that we’ll embrace any absurd solution presented to us with a beaming smile and a photo opportunity. Meanwhile, the poison ivy will probably just grow back anyway.
