## Behold! A Relic from the Pleistocene Epoch of Backpacks
Oh, joy. Another heartwarming tale to distract us from the impending climate apocalypse and the slow, agonizing erosion of critical thinking skills. Because apparently, finding a *wallet* is now headline-worthy material. Seriously? We’re celebrating the unearthing of what? A faded photograph of feathered hair? Perhaps a meticulously curated collection of Lisa Frank stickers? This, this is our news?
Let’s just pause for a moment and really consider the significance here. Workers – paid, presumably, to *tear down walls* – stumble upon a wallet, lost by a teenager in… 1973! Yes, you read that correctly. A student, likely rocking bell bottoms and questioning Nixon’s presidency, misplaced their belongings. And now? Now we’re all supposed to be overcome with emotion.
The article gushes about the “amazing” coincidence, the “remarkable” preservation. Amazing that a piece of leather survived decades behind drywall? Remarkable that someone actually carried *cash* and identification back then? It’s practically miraculous! We should erect a monument! A bronze statue depicting a forlorn teenager clutching a crumpled twenty-dollar bill!
Of course, everyone is clamoring to track down the original owner. As if they’re just sitting around, waiting for a construction crew to excavate their adolescent financial woes from the depths of time. I picture them now: “Oh my goodness! My wallet! It’s finally been found! Please, tell me, do you accept Bitcoin?”
Honestly, it’s peak distraction. Let’s not focus on the fact that we’re spending precious resources dismantling and rebuilding schools. Let’s instead marvel at a forgotten accessory from an era when things were, allegedly, simpler. It’s all just…so incredibly predictable.
