## Rhode Island Declares State Holiday for Duck Who’s Somehow Older Than Your Cousin
Seriously, folks. Stop whatever you’re doing (besides reading this, obviously) and prepare to question everything you thought you knew about avian lifespans. Because in Coventry, Rhode Island, a duck named Reginald is living proof that the universe enjoys playing pranks on us all. This feathered friend, rescued from… well, nobody really remembers *where* he was rescued from – details are hazy, like most memories of extended family gatherings – has just celebrated his 17th birthday. Yes, you read that correctly. Seventeen.
Let that sink in for a moment. Most ducks live to be around ten years old. Reginald? He’s defying logic, mocking mortality, and probably judging your life choices from behind a strategically placed pile of pondweed.
The animal sanctuary – let’s call them “Those People Who Apparently Have Way Too Much Time on Their Hands” – threw him a party. A *party*. For a duck. Because apparently, celebrating the continued existence of a waterfowl past its expiration date is now an acceptable use of resources.
Naturally, it was quite the affair. We’re talking miniature rubber ducky-shaped cakes (because irony isn’t lost on anyone, right?), personalized birthday banners (“Happy Birthday, Reginald! You’re Still Here!”), and a rendition of “Happy Birthday” sung with slightly off-key enthusiasm by volunteers who clearly haven’t had enough sleep.
One volunteer, bravely facing the existential dread brought on by witnessing a duck outlive most houseplants, was overheard muttering something about “evolutionary anomalies” and needing to lie down. Another pointedly avoided eye contact, possibly fearing Reginald would reveal some profound secret of longevity that they were tragically missing.
And what’s Reginald’s secret? Is he subsisting on a diet of pure existential dread? Perhaps he’s mastered the art of quantum entanglement, allowing him to subtly manipulate time? Or is it just… dumb luck? We may never know. The duck isn’t talking. He’s too busy enjoying his miniature cake and basking in the unwarranted adoration.
This whole situation begs a larger question, doesn’t it? While we’re showering a geriatric waterfowl with birthday cheer, what about *our* birthdays? Are we living our lives to the fullest? Are we defying expectations? Or are we just slowly becoming that person who complains about the price of bread and remembers when things “used to be better?”
Perhaps Reginald is trying to tell us something. Perhaps he’s whispering a lesson from his long, improbable life: embrace the absurdity, eat tiny cakes, and for heaven’s sake, don’t let a duck make you feel inadequate.
This remarkable achievement in feathered existence has prompted some serious reflection amongst sanctuary staff. “We have to re-evaluate our understanding of avian biology,” stated one slightly bewildered employee, while attempting to gently remove Reginald from the birthday cake table. “He’s basically rewritten the rulebook.”
And so, we celebrate Reginald, the duck who proves that sometimes, just sometimes, the universe throws us a curveball in the form of an exceptionally long-lived waterfowl. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check on my goldfish.
