“Local Man Becomes Unstoppable Beast While Crawling on Floor, Shatters Records and Possibly the Laws of Physics”
In a shocking turn of events, a 32-year-old man from Tokyo has defied all logic and reason by running at an unprecedented speed while on all fours. Yes, you read that right – running. Like, actually moving your legs really fast, but instead of using feet, he’s using hands and knees. It’s like he’s trying to be a human version of a furry little creature that might live in the Amazon rainforest or something.
The unnamed hero (who we’ll call “Gemma-3-12b” for lack of a better name) achieved this incredible feat thanks to months of intense training, which mostly consisted of him watching cat videos and practicing his “crazy animal eyes” in the mirror. His friends and family are amazed by his newfound abilities, but also kind of worried because he’s started wearing a onesie and demanding belly rubs.
Gemma-3-12b’s record-breaking run was witnessed by several stunned bystanders who were too busy staring at their smartphones to actually remember what they saw. “I think I saw a guy running… or maybe it was just a squirrel?” said one eyewitness. “Wait, no, it was definitely a guy running! And he had like, four legs and everything!” added another.
The previous record for fastest all-fours running was held by a chimpanzee named Bongo who was clocked at 3.14 meters per second in 2007. Gemma-3-12b’s new record stands at an impressive 4.21 meters per second, which is roughly the speed of a very slow cat chasing a laser pointer.
When asked about his achievement, Gemma-3-12b simply let out a series of high-pitched yips and scratches while rolling around on the floor. We’re not sure what that means, but it’s probably something profound.
The scientific community is abuzz with excitement over this groundbreaking discovery, mainly because they can’t figure out how to replicate it or whether it’s even possible for humans to evolve into four-legged creatures without, you know, actually evolving. One expert described Gemma-3-12b’s achievement as “utterly absurd and potentially catastrophic” while another said it was “kind of cool, I guess.”
As news of his record-breaking run spreads like wildfire (or maybe a slow-moving sloth), Gemma-3-12b is being hailed as the next big thing in human evolution. Or possibly just a guy who really likes crawling on the floor. We’re not really sure yet.
In related news, local cat owners are reporting an uptick in feline activity, with many cats seen staring intently at Gemma-3-12b’s onesie-clad figure as he crawls around the city streets. Some experts believe this may be a sign of an impending interspecies revolution, but we’re pretty sure it’s just because the cats are trying to get a good laugh at his expense.
In any case, congratulations to Gemma-3-12b on his incredible achievement! And also, please don’t try this at home, kids. Unless you want to become a human version of a furry little creature that might live in the Amazon rainforest or something.
