New Zealand Defense Minister Shocked by Shocking Shock of Shocking Online Comments
Amidst the chaos of a navy ship sinking off the coast of Samoa, Defense Minister Judith Collins has made a groundbreaking discovery—online trolls can be mean-spirited. In the wake of the incident, where a navy ship ran aground, caught fire, and ultimately sank, one would think the focus would be on the heroic efforts to save lives and salvage the wreckage. Alas, no, the real tragedy here is the existence of misogynistic comments on the internet, a phenomenon that has surely never been encountered before in the history of humanity.
Taking a surprising break from her usual busy schedule of, well, doing nothing in particular, Minister Collins took to the podium to passionately denounce the vile nature of these online remarks. In a display of unparalleled gallantry, she declared that women can, in fact, hold positions of power and expertise—shocking, we know. One can only imagine the countless hours she spent scrolling through internet forums to uncover this groundbreaking information.
The woman commander of the ill-fated navy ship has inadvertently become the poster child for gender equality in the military, thanks to the public’s unbridled enthusiasm for pointing out her gender in online comments. How lucky we are to have such enlightened beings among us, who refuse to acknowledge a person’s qualifications and competence, instead choosing to focus on their gender. Truly, the 21st century is a marvel of progress and sophistication.
One can hardly fathom the depth of intellectual prowess it must take to reduce a complex maritime disaster to the gender of the commander. Forget about the treacherous waters, the mechanical failures, and the gallant rescue efforts—what really matters is whether she wears a skirt or trousers. We can only hope that these geniuses will bestow their wisdom on other pressing issues of our time, such as climate change, inequality, and the next season of ‘The Bachelor.’
And let us not forget the impeccable timing of these comments. As the navy crew faced the frightening prospect of abandoning ship, what better way to distract them than by discussing the commander’s gender? After all, a sinking vessel is no match for the powerful force of online misogyny. Perhaps next time, we can have a live Twitter feed on board to ensure the crew stays well-informed on the latest internet debates.
In conclusion, we are eternally grateful to Minister Collins for bringing this urgent matter to our attention. In a world ravaged by war, poverty, and disease, the real battle that needs to be fought is the one against online trolls. We can only hope that one day, our society will evolve beyond such petty distractions and focus on what truly matters—like picking the perfect filter for our next Instagram post.
