Scottish Soccer Club Penalized for Having “Unique Field”
In a stunning turn of events that has left the Scottish soccer world reeling, a small club has been docked six points for possessing a field that slopes slightly. Yes, you read that correctly. The horror! The shame! How could they have let such an atrocity occur on their sacred grounds?
The club in question, which once boasted the legendary Sean Connery as a former player, has fallen from grace due to the grave sin of not having a perfectly level pitch. The governing body of Scottish soccer has deemed this sloping field an unforgivable offense and has laid down the hammer of justice in the form of a six-point deduction.
“We cannot stand idly by and allow such flagrant disregard for the laws of nature to go unpunished,” declared a spokesperson for the Scottish Football Association. “It is our duty to ensure that all soccer pitches are as flat as a pancake, as nature intended. Anything less is simply unacceptable.”
Local fans of the club were left scratching their heads in confusion and disbelief at the news. “I never realized that the natural topography of our field could be considered a crime,” lamented one supporter. “I guess we should have hired a team of surveyors to ensure that every blade of grass was at a perfect 90-degree angle. How foolish of us.”
Meanwhile, rival teams have been quick to seize upon the opportunity to mock their beleaguered competitor. “I always suspected there was something fishy about those guys,” sneered a player from a rival club. “Who knows what other nefarious activities they may be engaging in under the cover of darkness? Maybe they have a tree that’s a few inches too tall. Or perhaps a cloud that hovers menacingly over their training ground. The possibilities are endless.”
As the controversy continues to swirl, the Scottish club has vowed to fight the decision tooth and nail. They have hired a team of expert groundskeepers to try and level out the field, even going so far as to bring in a herd of particularly adept goats to munch away at the offending slope. “We will not rest until our pitch is as flat as the surface of a pristine lake,” declared the club’s manager.
Whether this extreme measure will be enough to satisfy the powers that be remains to be seen. But one thing is clear: the world of Scottish soccer will never be the same again. The specter of the sloping field will haunt the dreams of players and fans alike for generations to come.
In the end, one can only hope that the club will learn from this humiliating experience and emerge stronger and flatter than ever. Or, they could just invest in a really big level.
