**BREAKING: CALIFORNIA MAN DEFIES ODDS, PREPARES PINEAPPLE IN RECORD-SHATTERING 2.5 SECONDS**
In a jaw-dropping display of culinary prowess, 32-year-old Dave Wilson of Los Angeles, California, has set a new world record for the fastest time to prepare a pineapple.
According to eyewitnesses, Wilson, a self-proclaimed “pineapple ninja,” entered the kitchen at approximately 3:14 PM PST and began his attempt. With lightning-quick reflexes and a dash of pure, unadulterated genius, he managed to peel, core, and slice the pineapple into perfectly uniform chunks in a blistering 2.5 seconds.
“I just focused, you know?” Wilson said in a post-record interview, visibly shaken but triumphant. “I’ve been practicing my pineapple skills for years. I mean, who hasn’t, right?”
The previous record holder, a Norwegian chef named Bjorn Olafsson, was on hand to witness the feat and conceded graciously. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Olafsson said, shaking his head in awe. “The man is a pineapple whisperer.”
Witnesses described the scene as “absolute pandemonium” as Wilson expertly wielded his trusty pineapple knife, sending shavings flying in all directions.
“I was on the edge of my seat,” said spectator Emily Chen. “I mean, who doesn’t love a good pineapple prep? It’s like watching a ninja warrior, but with more fruit.”
The Guinness World Records officials, who were on hand to verify the record, confirmed that Wilson’s time was indeed the fastest ever recorded.
In response to the achievement, Wilson announced plans to take his pineapple-preparing skills on the road, launching a nationwide “Pineapple Tour” that promises to bring his record-breaking abilities to a city near you.
When asked what inspired him to pursue such an unusual talent, Wilson simply smiled and said, “You know, someone’s gotta do it. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll even try my hand at preparing a pineapple upside down cake in under 10 minutes.”
The world waits with bated breath.
