**BREAKING: Austrian Daredevil Sets New Record for Most Unnecessarily Dramatic Stunt Ever**
In a jaw-dropping, eyebrow-raising, and possibly-insane feat, Austrian thrill-seeker, Helmut “The Human Torch” Huber, has set a new Guinness World Record for pulling a car while on fire for a staggering 328 feet in a blistering 56.42 seconds.
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “surreal,” “utterly bewildering,” and “possibly a cry for help from the Austrian government.”
According to sources, Huber, 32, clad in a fire-resistant onesie (which, remarkably, did not prevent him from bursting into flames), attached himself to a sturdy rope tied to a Toyota Corolla, which was conveniently parked nearby.
As the crowd held its collective breath, Huber took a deep drag on his cigar, exclaimed “Für Österreich!” (For Austria!), and lit himself ablaze. With a fierce cry of “Ich bin ein Feuerball!” (I am a fireball!), he began to pull the car across the parking lot.
The crowd gasped in horror and delight as Huber, his flaming body swaying precariously, yanked the car across the asphalt, leaving a trail of melted rubber and bewildered onlookers in his wake.
“I was worried he might actually die,” said one spectator, shaking her head in awe. “But, you know, in a good way?”
Guinness World Records officials, on hand to verify the stunt, confirmed that Huber’s record-breaking distance and time surpassed the previous record holder, a Canadian stuntman who had pulled a car while on fire for a mere 200 feet in 1 minute and 14 seconds.
When asked about his inspiration, Huber, sporting a charred but triumphant grin, quipped, “I’ve always wanted to make a bold statement. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a fire extinguisher… and a therapist.”
The new record holder plans to celebrate by… well, not setting himself on fire again, hopefully.
**UPDATE:** Huber has announced plans to attempt a new record: holding his breath while reciting the entire script of “Hamlet” underwater. Stay tuned.
