SHOCKING SCANDAL ROCKS THE NATION: British Man Seeks Massive Compensation for Ripple-less Mars Bar, Wins Big!
LONDON, ENGLAND – In a stunning turn of events, a British man has been awarded a whopping $2.53 in compensation from Mars Wrigley U.K. after discovering that his Mars bar was shockingly, utterly, and completely devoid of its signature ripple.
According to eyewitnesses, 32-year-old Nigel Bottomsworth was left “traumatized” and “utterly bereft” when he unwrapped his Mars bar to find that it was as flat as a pancake – or in this case, as flat as a pancake without a ripple.
“I was in a state of utter despair,” said Bottomsworth, fighting back tears. “I mean, what’s the point of even calling it a Mars bar if it’s just a boring, ripple-less rectangle of chocolate and nougat? It’s like finding out your favorite sports team has been replaced with a team of accountants.”
Mars Wrigley U.K. was quick to apologize and offer Bottomsworth a whopping $2.53 in compensation – a sum that has been hailed as “generous” and “life-changing” by experts.
“We take these things very seriously,” said a spokesperson for Mars Wrigley U.K. “We understand that a ripple-less Mars bar is a tragedy of epic proportions, and we’re willing to do whatever it takes to make it right.”
But that’s not all – Bottomsworth has announced plans to use his windfall to fund a campaign to raise awareness about the importance of ripples in chocolate bars.
“I’m not just fighting for myself,” he said. “I’m fighting for all the people out there who have been victimized by ripple-less chocolate. Together, we can make a difference and ensure that every Mars bar is a ripple-tastic one.”
In related news, shares of Mars Wrigley U.K. have plummeted, while sales of ripple-themed merchandise have skyrocketed.
