**MONKEY MAYHEM: SOUTH CAROLINA UNDER SIEGE AS ROGUE PRIMATE ARMY DOWNSIZED, BUT NOT DEFEATED**
In a stunning update, officials announced that only six marauding monkeys remain at large after a chaotic escape from a South Carolina research facility earlier this month. The primate pandemonium, which began with a reported 50-strong monkey squad, has left residents scrambling for safety and authorities scrambling for solutions.
“We’re making progress, but we can’t let our guard down,” warned local Sheriff, John Smith. “These clever creatures have already stolen a dozen banana cream pies from a nearby bakery and have been spotted playing pranks on the neighborhood kids. We fear they may be planning an even bigger heist – perhaps a raid on the local convenience store’s coffee machine.”
Eyewitnesses describe the rogue monkeys as “mischievous, cunning, and sporting a flair for the dramatic.” One resident claimed to have seen a troop of monkeys staging an impromptu dance party on the hood of a parked car, while another reported finding a group of primates attempting to “reorganize” her garden gnome collection.
As the search for the remaining six monkeys continues, authorities are urging citizens to remain vigilant and to report any sightings of the cunning creatures. “We’re doing everything we can to contain the situation,” said Smith. “But let’s be real, these monkeys are like the A-Team – they’re resourceful, they’re clever, and they’re not going down without a fight.”
In related news, local businesses are capitalizing on the monkey mayhem, selling “I Survived the Great South Carolina Monkey Escape” t-shirts and offering “Monkey-Proof” pet insurance policies. Meanwhile, primatologists are flocking to the area to study the remarkable adaptability and cunning of these six – soon to be infamous – primates.
