BREAKING: FLORIDA EMU-GATE: Deputies in Orange County, Florida, had the wildest day of their lives when they were summoned to tackle the most unlikely of fugitives: a thirsty, escape-artist emu named “Steve” who had busted out of his enclosure and was wreaking havoc on the local landscape.
Eyewitnesses described Steve as a “feathered menace” who was “running amok” and “squawking loudly” as he made his way through the streets of Orange County, leaving a trail of bewildered residents and overturned trash cans in his wake.
“It was like something out of a cartoon!” said one witness. “I mean, who expects to see a giant, flightless bird in their front yard, let alone one that’s clearly on a mission to find the nearest 5-Hour Energy drink?”
Deputies, equipped with an arsenal of…well, not exactly emu-wrangling gear, but more like “we’ll-figure-it-out-as-we-go” gear, arrived on the scene to find Steve had already commandeered a lawnmower and was using it to cut a swath through the neighborhood.
“We tried to sneak up on him, but he was like a ninja,” said Deputy Johnson. “He’d hop over a fence, and then we’d be like, ‘Wait, where’s Steve now?’ And then we’d hear a loud ‘Bock-bock-bock!’ and he’d be running towards us, flapping his wings and squawking like a lunatic.”
After a high-speed chase that involved a dodgy U-turn through a cul-de-sac and a daring leap over a startled golden retriever, deputies finally managed to corral Steve into a nearby parking lot.
In a daring display of avian wrangling skills, Deputy Rodriguez managed to sneak up behind Steve and – with a few swift moves – lasso him with a roll of duct tape and a prayer.
“It was pure instinct,” said Deputy Rodriguez. “I mean, who needs a degree in animal control when you’ve got a roll of duct tape and a healthy dose of crazy?”
Steve, the thirsty emu, was eventually subdued and returned to his enclosure, where he was provided with a nice, cold glass of…well, not exactly a martini, but more like a large bucket of water and a sign that read: “You shall not pass…without getting a drink, that is!”
When asked for comment, the sheriff’s department simply shook their heads and muttered something about “Florida things” and “only in Orange County.”
