**BREAKING: 135-Year-Old Woman Honored as World’s Oldest Person, Still Rocking the High School Dance Moves**
TOKYO, JAPAN – In a bizarre celebration of geriatric greatness, 135-year-old Yumi Tanaka was honored on Japan’s Respect for the Aged Day, a national holiday dedicated to venerating the country’s most seasoned citizens. And by “venerating,” we mean throwing a party that would put a college freshman orientation to shame.
According to sources, Tanaka, who claims to have been born in the same year the first Kodak camera was invented, was feted with a parade, a cake that looked suspiciously like a miniature Eiffel Tower, and a special performance by a troupe of robotic sumo wrestlers. Because, why not?
Tanaka, who still reportedly enjoys playing the harmonica, eating sushi, and giving unsolicited life advice to anyone within earshot, was beaming with pride as she accepted a commemorative plaque from the Japanese Prime Minister.
“I’m not old, I’m just chronologically gifted,” Tanaka quipped, as she proceeded to do a backflip off the stage and land with the agility of a, well, 135-year-old.
When asked about her secret to longevity, Tanaka attributed it to her daily routine, which includes:
* Waking up at 4am every day to practice her tap dancing
* Eating a diet consisting mainly of wasabi, soy sauce, and the occasional bowl of ramen
* Engaging in fierce battles of wits with her pet parrot, Mr. Whiskers
* Participating in extreme knitting competitions
As news of Tanaka’s celebration spread, fans and admirers from around the world took to social media to congratulate the supercentenarian on her achievement. #RespectForTheAged trended on Twitter, with many users sharing their own stories of elderly relatives who are still kicking (and, in some cases, still rocking the high school dance moves).
When asked about her plans for the future, Tanaka coyly hinted that she’s considering running for political office. “Why not?” she said with a wink. “I’m already older than the country’s constitution.”
In related news, the Japanese government announced plans to introduce a new national pastime: Extreme Elderliness. The sport, which involves competing in events such as “Most Creative Use of a Walker” and “Longest Time Spent Watching TV Without Getting Up,” is expected to become a sensation among seniors and non-seniors alike.
**UPDATE:** Tanaka has just announced that she’s challenging the world’s top athletes to a series of competitions, including a marathon, a hot dog eating contest, and a game of chess. Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story!
