**BREAKING: BISON ON THE LOOSE!**
A “very aggressive” bison named Boris, who was described as having a “vendetta against the free world,” escaped from a farm in rural Ontario yesterday evening, leaving a trail of chaos and destruction in its wake.
According to eyewitnesses, Boris, a 1,000-pound ball of furry fury, burst through the farm’s perimeter fence at approximately 8:45pm, sending farmhands running for cover.
“It was like he had a plan,” said farm owner, Bob Smith. “He was like a bison on a mission from God. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Boris, who is reportedly 6 feet tall at the shoulder and has a horn span of over 2 feet, made his way onto nearby Highway 401, bringing traffic to a standstill.
“It was like he owned the place,” said commuter, Jane Doe. “I was stuck in my car for over an hour, watching this…this…beast roam around like he was king of the castle.”
Witnesses described Boris as “very aggressive,” with one onlooker claiming the bison “glared at me like I owed him money.”
“I was just trying to get to work, and suddenly I’m face-to-face with this…this…furry freight train,” said another commuter. “I mean, I’ve seen some crazy things in my time, but this was something else.”
A team of brave Ontario Provincial Police officers was quickly dispatched to the scene, armed with nothing but a few tranquilizers and a can of beef jerky.
“It was a tense standoff,” said OPP spokesperson, Sgt. Jim Johnson. “We didn’t want to hurt Boris, but we didn’t want him to hurt anyone else either. I mean, have you seen the size of those horns?”
After a 2-hour standoff, Boris was finally coaxed back to the farm with a trail of fresh hay and a promise of free Wi-Fi.
The farm has since been placed on lockdown, with a sign on the gate reading: ” Warning: Bison on the loose. Do not approach. Unless you want to be on the receiving end of a bison-sized butt-kicking.”
In a bizarre twist, local residents have begun to speculate that Boris’s escape was not an accident, but rather a clever ploy to get out of doing his chores.
“I mean, who wouldn’t want to escape the farm?” said local resident, Sarah Lee. “I hear the farm owner was making him do extra shifts and taking away his bison privileges.”
The incident has left the community shaken, but also strangely entertained.
“I mean, it’s not every day you see a bison on the loose,” said commuter, Mark Chen. “But hey, at least it made my commute more interesting.”
As for Boris, he’s back on the farm, but rumor has it he’s planning his next great escape…
