**Skateboarder Obstinately Defies Logic, Completes Epic Journey Across the U.S.**
NEW YORK, NY — In a groundbreaking feat that has left physics professors scratching their heads and most of the nation asking, “Why?” a man from New York has set a Guinness World Record by embarking on a seemingly unhinged 3,162-mile skateboard trip across the United States. Dubbed “The Great American Skate Caper,” he miraculously completed his cross-country journey in a staggering 57 days, 6 hours, and 56 minutes. Clearly, the previously unknown world of extreme transportation has a new hero, and it’s about time we start taking skateboarding as seriously as it deserves.
With an overwhelming sense of purpose, Dave “SkateGod” Thompson, a 27-year-old marketing intern (because, of course), showcased his love for adrenaline and questionable decision-making by gliding his way from New York City to the beautiful shores of San Francisco. Eyewitnesses reported him weaving through disgruntled drivers, somehow managing to keep his precious skateboard intact, unlike the sanity of those who witnessed the spectacle.
In a moment that put even the most ambitious Olympic athletes to shame, Thompson meticulously planned his route based on the availability of skate parks, trendy cafés, and gas stations. We imagine many new “travel agents” will soon be inspired to follow in his rubber-wheeled footsteps, turning their sights from boring 5-star hotels to thrilling roadside diner experiences. Can you taste the adventure? Who needs a personal trainer when he could just skate 50 miles a day, right?
“I don’t understand why people found my journey so impressive,” Thompson said, beaming with a glow only achievable by those basking in the shade of a severe mid-life crisis. “All I did was push my skateboard a lot and ignore the many, many other modes of transportation available in America.” Ah, the noble pursuit of discomfort. Truly, he demonstrated unyielding perseverance—or was it just a burning desire to avoid ever learning how to drive?
Thompson’s skateboard expedition made waves on social media, garnering a following that can only be described as equal parts confused and inspired. Onlookers shared hours of footage, showcasing everything from triumphant moments at fast food drive-thrus to inevitable stumbles that left many questioning if he truly belonged in the same universe as gravity. With TikTok influencers now inspired to replicate his journey, the next viral trend might just be “Skate and Bake Across the USA.”
Unsurprisingly, Thompson is now somewhere between ecstatic and perplexed at his newfound glory. “I mean, I have a world record! The next step is obviously making a documentary about my experience, which, let’s face it, will totally be nominated for an Oscar,” he added, with a confidence that rivals even the most audacious drive-thru-ordering skills.
While America may not always be ready for a new form of road trip, it’s clear Thompson has wheeled his way into history—and perhaps into the hearts of those who think leaving the couch is the ultimate sport. As Thompson glides into posterity (hopefully with a helmet), we’re left to question just how many more world records are left in the name of absurdity.
