**BREAKING: SNAKE-GATE ROCKS MISSOURI SUBURBS**
In a bizarre incident that has left residents of suburban Missouri shaken to their cores, a woman’s afternoon drive turned into a heart-stopping, soul-crushing, and downright terrifying experience when a massive, fire-breathing snake poked its slithery head out from under the hood of her car.
According to eyewitnesses (okay, it was just the woman’s neighbor, who happened to be walking by), the snake, estimated to be a whopping 10 feet in length and as thick as a garden hose, slowly emerged from the depths of the engine compartment, its beady little eyes fixed menacingly on the woman as she sat frozen in terror behind the wheel.
“I was just driving along, minding my own business, when suddenly I felt a strange hissing noise coming from under the hood,” said local resident, Karen Jenkins. “Next thing I knew, this…this…THING was staring me down, its eyes glowing like embers from the depths of Hades!”
The snake, identified as a rare and highly venomous species of…okay, fine, it was probably just a garter snake, but it was REALLY BIG, okay? – allegedly began to taunt Jenkins, hissing loudly and making “angry little snake faces” at her through the windshield.
“It was like it was trying to hypnotize me or something,” Jenkins claimed, still shaken. “I mean, I’ve seen some weird stuff in my time, but this was on a whole other level. I was like, ‘Snake, dude, get back in there and fix my oil or something!'”
As authorities rushed to the scene, the snake – which had apparently been living in the car’s engine block for weeks – was coaxed out with a can of Spam and a pair of oven mitts.
“I mean, it was a real tense situation,” said responding officer, Bob Smith. “But we’ve got some top-notch snake wranglers on the force, and they were able to, uh, wrangle it. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
The woman, shaken but unharmed, was treated for “excessive freaking out” at a local hospital, while the snake was relocated to a nearby zoo, where it will reportedly be forced to watch an endless loop of snake documentaries as punishment.
In related news, local car owners are advised to check their engine blocks regularly for any signs of serpentine habitation. And if you see a snake in your car, just…just try to stay calm, okay?
