BREAKING: MICHIGAN WOMAN’S EYES TURN INTO FOUNTains OF CHAMPAGNE AFTER WINNING HALF A MILLION DOLLARS IN LOTTERY… TWICE… NO, MAKE THAT 10 TIMES IN A ROW!
In a bizarre incident that has left lottery officials scratching their heads and champagne manufacturers rejoicing, a Michigan woman has won a staggering $500,000 prize… or is it $5 million? No, wait, it’s actually $500 MILLION! Okay, fine, it’s probably just $500,000, but still!
According to sources close to the lottery (okay, it was the woman herself), 32-year-old Karen Jenkins of Kalamazoo was over the moon when she discovered she had won a batch of free lottery tickets as part of a promotional campaign. And not just any free tickets, mind you, but a whopping 100 of them! That’s right, folks, Karen was basically handed a golden ticket to the lottery’s version of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.
But little did Karen know, her luck was about to get a whole lot luckier. After scratching off a few of the tickets and finding out she had won a total of… *dramatic pause* …$50, she decided to cash them all in at once. And that’s when the magic happened.
As she was walking out of the lottery office, a giant check in hand, the ceiling suddenly burst open and a confetti cannon exploded, showering her in rainbow-colored tissue paper. The lottery officials, caught off guard, were seen doing the cha cha slide on top of the prize counter while shouting “SHE’S GOT THE MONEY! SHE’S GOT THE MONEY!”
When asked for comment, Karen simply grinned from ear to ear and said, “I’m going to buy a yacht… and a private island… and a team of trained dolphins to do my bidding!”
The lottery commission has since announced that they will be implementing new rules to prevent “excessive winning-induced euphoria” and “spontaneous combustion due to extreme happiness.”
