BREAKING: Cicada Apocalypse Imminent! Experts Warn of “Cicad-pocalypse” as Billions of Bizarre, Glowing-Eyed, Disco-Dancing Cicadas Prepare to Invade Two States!
In a bizarre phenomenon that has left entomologists baffled and the general public terrified, two regions of the United States are bracing themselves for an impending infestation of epic proportions. The periodical cicadas, known for their ear-piercing shrieks and tendency to swarm in massive numbers, are expected to emerge from the ground en masse, bringing with them a host of unsettling characteristics that will leave you questioning reality.
According to Dr. Emily J. Bugsworth, a leading expert on cicada behavior, “These aren’t your grandma’s cicadas. Oh no. These cicadas are like something out of a sci-fi horror movie. They’re bigger, they’re louder, and they’re… well, they’re wearing tiny little sunglasses and platform shoes.”
Yes, you read that right. The cicadas, which are expected to emerge in the states of Illinois and Ohio, have apparently developed a flair for the dramatic, sporting trendy shades and footwear that would make even the most seasoned fashionista jealous.
But that’s not all – these cicadas have also apparently developed a taste for disco music, with eyewitnesses reporting that they will gather in massive groups to boogie the night away under the light of the full moon.
“It’s like they’re trying to out-party the Grateful Dead,” said Dr. Bugsworth. “We’ve seen them doing the cha cha slide, the hustle, and even the occasional rendition of the Macarena. It’s like they’re trying to take over the world, one dance move at a time.”
As the cicadas prepare to emerge, residents of Illinois and Ohio are advised to stock up on earplugs, sunglasses, and a healthy dose of insect repellent. And if you value your sanity, you might want to consider avoiding any areas where the cicadas are known to congregate – unless, of course, you’re a fan of disco music and want to join in on the fun.
In related news, the National Weather Service has issued a “Cicada-Red-Flag Warning” for the affected areas, advising residents to be on the lookout for signs of cicada-related chaos, including (but not limited to):
* Uncontrollable urges to dance the Macarena
* Sudden, inexplicable cravings for polyester suits
* Increased risk of getting stuck in a never-ending loop of “I Will Survive”
Stay safe out there, folks! The cicada-pocalypse is coming, and it’s going to be a wild ride!
