**BREAKING: Oregon Guardsman Shatters Burpee Record, May Have to be Cut with a Chainsaw to be Freed from Floor**
PORTLAND, OR – In a stunning display of endurance, grit, and sheer masochism, Oregon Army National Guard member, Sergeant John “Burpee” Smith, has potentially reclaimed the Guinness World Record for most burpees performed in one hour, completing a mind-boggling 1,027 chest-to-ground burpees in a single hour.
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “a human jackrabbit on steroids” as Smith furiously dropped to the ground, pushed up, and then sprang back up again, repeating the motion with reckless abandon for 60 long minutes.
“I think I saw him do 500 burpees in the first 10 minutes,” said fellow Guardsman, Captain James Johnson. “I was like, ‘Is he human? Has he been replaced by a Burpee-Bot?'”
As the hour drew to a close, Smith’s form began to resemble a cross between a frog in a trance and a pogo stick on steroids. His face turned a lovely shade of crimson, and his breathing could only be described as “slightly-less-than- apneic.”
When asked for comment, Smith could only grunt, “Burpees…glorious…burpees…” before collapsing onto the floor, where he remained, motionless, for several minutes.
The previous record holder, a Norwegian fitness enthusiast, had set the mark at 1,015 burpees in one hour. Smith’s achievement has been submitted to Guinness World Records for verification, but we’re pretty sure he’s got it in the bag.
In related news, the Oregon Army National Guard has announced plans to introduce a new, highly specialized unit: the Burpee Response Team. These elite soldiers will be trained to perform burpees at will, in any environment, and under extreme duress.
When asked about the new unit, Smith weakly murmured, “I’m…volunteering…for…duty…”
