**BREAKING: PYTHON-GATE ROCKS SMALL TOWN IN SOUTH CAROLINA**
In a bizarre incident that has left residents of Oakdale, South Carolina shell-shocked, a local woman made a slithery discovery behind her toilet that will haunt her dreams forever.
According to eyewitnesses (okay, it was just the woman herself, but still), 32-year-old Bubbles Jenkins was getting ready for a relaxing evening at home when she heard a strange rustling sound emanating from the general vicinity of her bathroom.
“I was just about to hop in the shower when I heard a weird hissing noise coming from behind the toilet,” said Jenkins, still shaken. “I slowly turned around, and that’s when I saw it: a massive python, coiled up and staring me straight in the soul… or at least, I think it was staring at me. I mean, snakes don’t really have souls, do they?”
The python, estimated to be a whopping 12 feet long and as thick as a small tree trunk, was allegedly chillin’ behind the toilet, sipping on a hypothetical cocktail and enjoying the view.
“I swear, it was like it was trying to escape the in-laws or something,” said Jenkins, still trying to process the trauma. “I mean, who puts a snake behind a toilet? It’s just not right.”
When asked if she was afraid, Jenkins replied, “Afraid? Ha! I was petrified! I was like, ‘Snake, you’re going down!’… or, you know, I just stood there frozen in terror.”
Local animal control services were quickly summoned to the scene, and after a tense standoff, the python was safely removed and relocated to a nearby… well, let’s just say it won’t be bothering Jenkins again anytime soon.
As for Jenkins, she’s taking precautions to ensure her bathroom remains snake-free in the future. “I’m installing a snake-proof toilet screen, and I’m also considering moving to a new house… or a different planet,” she quipped.
When asked for comment, the local animal control officer simply shook his head and muttered, “Only in South Carolina, folks… only in South Carolina.”
