**BREAKING: British Bunglers Break Beloved Bear, Nation Left in Stitches**
In a shocking display of drunken ineptitude, two British service members have confessed to committing a heinous crime that has left the nation in stitches: breaking and stealing half of a cherished Paddington Bear statue.
According to prosecutors, Daniel Heath and William Lawrence, both 25, were on a roaring night out in the quaint town of Newbury when they decided to try and lift the iconic bear from its perch on a bench. Unfortunately for the duo, their plan quickly went awry, and the statue snapped in two, leaving them with a mangled metal mess and a serious case of bear-induced buyer remorse.
“I just wanted to take Paddington home as a souvenir,” a remorseful Heath told the court, “but I guess I won’t be winning any awards for ‘Most Coordinated Bear-Lifting Technique’ anytime soon.”
Lawrence, his partner in crime, added, “I think I might have yelled ‘We’re the kings of Newbury!’ right before we dropped him, but I’m not really sure – I was a bit…out of it.”
The two miscreants were arrested shortly after, with the broken statue’s remains found scattered across the pavement. Witnesses described the scene as “absolute chaos” and “a real bear-astrophe.”
Prosecutors have charged Heath and Lawrence with “reckless endangerment of a beloved children’s character” and “drunkenly mishandling a national treasure.” The duo is set to face a grueling rehabilitation program, which will hopefully teach them the error of their bear-ravaging ways.
As for the broken bear, a local artist has launched a crowdfunding campaign to repair and restore the statue to its former glory. When asked for comment, the artist quipped, “Well, at least it’s not a cat-astrophe – I mean, who breaks a bear?”
The incident has left the nation in stitches, with many calling for the two service members to be awarded a special “Golden Bear” award for their…erm…creative approach to statue handling.
**UPDATE:** The hashtag #BearGate is trending on social media, with many calling for the duo to be stripped of their British citizenship and forced to watch an endless loop of Paddington Bear cartoons as punishment.
