**BREAKING: NOTORIOUS ANIMAL ARCH-NEMESIS STRIKES AGAIN!**
In a shocking turn of events, 32-year-old Brock H. turned himself in to authorities after allegedly unleashing a three-hour reign of terror on a Northern California farm, leaving a trail of destruction and deceased farm friends in his wake.
According to eyewitnesses (okay, it was just the farmer’s kid, who was hiding behind a stack of hay), Brock stormed onto the farm, brandishing a rifle and a menacing scowl, and began firing at an alarming rate. The sound of gunfire echoed through the valley, sending nearby wildlife scurrying for cover and causing a flock of startled turkeys to fly into a nearby pond.
As the carnage continued, Brock reportedly cackled maniacally (or at least, that’s what the farmhand thought she heard) while dispatching an astonishing 81 animals, including:
* 17 miniature horses, who were allegedly “just chillin'” in their enclosure before meeting their untimely demise
* 23 goats, who were apparently “just trying to eat some tasty grass” when Brock came along
* 41 chickens, who were simply “cluckin’ along” before Brock showed up and, well, you get the idea
The farm, which was once a thriving agricultural operation, was left in ruins, with animal bodies scattered everywhere and a lingering sense of trauma.
Brock, who was taken into custody without incident (mainly because he was too busy reloading his rifle to notice the police approaching), has been charged with 81 counts of animal cruelty, 1 count of being a general all-around bad guy, and 1 count of making a really big mess.
When asked for comment, Brock’s lawyer released a statement saying, “My client is innocent until proven guilty, and also, he’s really sorry… sort of.”
The judge, however, was not buying it, and set bail at an eye-popping $100,000 per animal killed (you do the math). Brock is currently being held at the local county jail, where he’s reportedly being fed a strict diet of tofu and regret.
In related news, the farm has announced plans to establish a “No More Animal Massacres” policy, and the local animal control office has scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss ways to prevent future incidents of extreme animal slaughter.
