**BREAKING: Idaho Man Shatters Own Record, Defies Logic with Insane Chopstick-Throwing Feat**
BOISE, ID – In a jaw-dropping display of absurdity, Idaho’s own Bubba “The Bullseye Bandit” Jenkins has reclaimed his title as the world’s greatest chopstick-throwing, record-holding, daredevil extraordinaire.
According to eyewitnesses, Jenkins, 32, a part-time lumberjack and full-time weirdo, successfully launched an astonishing 28 metal chopsticks into an archery target from 10 paces in a blistering 60 seconds. The crowd went wild, the judges were baffled, and the Guinness World Records officials were left scratching their heads in wonder.
“I just wanted to see if I could do it,” a characteristically humble Jenkins said in a post-record interview. “I mean, who needs a social life when you can throw chopsticks at a target really fast?”
Witnesses described the scene as “absolute pandemonium” as Jenkins, clad in a bright orange jumpsuit and a haircut that defied gravity, rapidly dispatched the chopsticks with a combination of ninja-like reflexes and sheer, unadulterated luck.
“I was standing right next to him, and I swear, it was like he had a magnetic field around the target,” said fellow record-seeker and friend, Chuck “The Chuckster” Thompson. “I mean, I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my time, but this was on a whole other level.”
The previous record holder, a mysterious Japanese juggler named Taro “The Chopstick King” Nakamura, was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the Guinness organization confirmed that Jenkins had indeed reclaimed the title.
When asked what his secret was, Jenkins simply grinned and said, “Well, I’ve been practicing my chopstick-fu. And also, I’ve got a really good arm.”
The new record holder plans to celebrate by attempting to break his own record while blindfolded and reciting the entire script of “Hamlet” backwards.
Stay tuned for more updates on this developing story, and in the meantime, try not to think too hard about the physics involved in throwing metal chopsticks at a target. Your brain might hurt.
